Expendables 3?

I do a lot of my random thinking while in the shower. Most of the ideas turn out to be too stupid to put on paper, but this very morning, I was thinking about why Expendables 1 and 2 didn’t seem to work for me.

I couldn’t think of why they didn’t work, but something just wasn’t right. It got me to thinking: What is my idea of an Expendables-like movie? The kind of movie that should pay homage to the 80’s and early 90’s action movies, starring a whole plethora of stars from that exact era. I came to the following conclusion, what I think might make a potential Expendables 3 the most awesome thing ever conceived by a human being:

Last Action Hero 2.

… Okay, stop laughing, Nostalgia Critic. I know what I’m talking about this time. Just hear me out!

Last Action Hero, for the uninitiated, is about a young boy who’s a huge action nut, much like the audience a movie like The Expendables tries and ultimately successfully panders to. The young boy’s favourite movies are those starring an eerily Arnold-looking super-cop named Jack Slater, who is played by Arnold himself, but- Okay, it’s like alternate universe crap, and the way to travel between them is through the magic of a golden ticket- which was given to the boy by a creepy old man who’s got a job I’d rather enjoy: The guy who runs the projectors in a respectable theatre.

Granted, my dream job is to be the man who works the cameras for a production, but that’s irrelevant.

The whole movie is an exercise in trope identification, lampshading, and tongue-in-cheek in-jokes within the action-lover crowd. It’s one of my favourite Arnold flicks after Total Recall.

Last Action Hero 2… and this is a story pitch, mind you. It could very well use a crapload of reiteration, polish, and cutting. HEAR ME OUT PLEASE!!

The kid’s grown up. He’s got a job as… I want to say Internet Film Critic, but no one likes those assholes… and he hasn’t… um, stuff… Oh, he’s also got a family, I guess.

Anyway, Jack Slater loses for the first time in a while, but then he notices that the screen that the audience looks through is empty. No one is watching his stuff anymore. After the film, he goes to an off-movie place where he meets with all these other aging 80’s action stars.

“No one’s watching us anymore. What’s the point?”

But then, the Grim Reaper sees that our world just sucks, so he decides to summon creatures from Cabin In the Woods to terrorize the real world. It’s then up to the kid to use the last half of the golden ticket to summon ALL of his favourite action stars to come to the real world to kick some serious monster ass.

Also, aliens invade.

THUS ENDS THE PITCH!!! See it’s awesome because you’ll probably have Arnold look at that one zombie with the bear trap on a chain and say “You’re one ugly motherfucker.” before dodging a swing and stuffing an AA-12 into the zombie’s face.

I guess theme-wise, it’d be about “The Times, they are-a-changin’. Kind of like that genius opening credits sequence from Watchmen. The kid watches this silliness, and he wonders “Why did I love this stuff when I was a kid?” Then his son is all “That’s so cool! That’s like those Jack Slater movies you showed me, daddy!”

and then the audience will be all “Aww, he’s a snow-bender!”

and I’ll be all “Am I high? Writing this blog post? I must be. I need to lay off this- Wait, I don’t even smoke. Where did all this come from?”

… Uhm…


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