Archive for March, 2012

Two-cents on Mass Effect 3

Posted in HJ Journal on March 24, 2012 by HolyJunkie/Jakob

Shut up, fanboys. That’s my thesis. The ending really is not that big of a deal. I’m going to provide examples that serve to prove a point that the ending to ME3 is not even a hundredth the big deal all those nutcase fanboys claim it really is.

WARNING: SPOILERS!!!

PART 1: MASS EFFECT 1 WAS EVEN WORSE

Depending on how you pulled off your ending, you either fought Saren, or (in my case) Paragon’d him into suicide. After that was a long cutscene, followed by a really damn annoying boss that make the Halo series’ Drone enemies see subtle and refreshing by comparison.

After THAT annoying, crap final boss, you get a cutscene where the REAL Big Bad gets killed by… you guessed it: NOT YOU! After that cutscene, it pulls you into a conversation where you make one last choice to add to the mathematically-generated combination of events that influence the story of the next game in the series.

After THAT tediousness, you get about 10-20 seconds of Shepard standing in the middle of space, or in front of a space backdrop as if he’s standing in front of a greenscreen.

If you say the Mass Effect 3 ending sucks, then you also have to acknowledge that the Mass Effect 1 ending sucks. Mass Effect 2 set the bar for endings when you got to fight a REAL final boss. You fanboys expect that you deserve an even bigger ending than that.

Shut up. You don’t deserve anything. You’re not the ones busting their asses working under the banner of EA. You’re not the ones drawing concept art and creating textures until your fingers bled. You’re not the one who has to deal with multiple VA contracts. You just fork over an easy sixty bucks for a game. I’m not counting the costs of the console, because we’re not talking about the console.

Yeah, so the ending to Mass Effect 3 was weak.

PART 2: SKYWARD SWORD WAS EVEN WEAKER!

I’m a Zelda fan like no other, but even I didn’t resort to this crybaby-ness when I saw the utterly abysmally cheesy ending to Skyward Sword. In my opinion, the entire game came across as “One step forward, two steps back.”

If I can refrain from bringing out the inner stupid in regards to Skyward Sword, you fanboys have no excuse for Mass Effect 3 of all things.

Come to think of it, so was Gears of War 3, The Godfather Part 3, The Matrix Revolutions, Halo 3, X-men 3, The third one in The Girl with the Dragon tattoo trilogy (I forget if it’s Played with Fire or Kicked the Hornet’s Nest…)

The Dark Knight Rises is also going to be weaker compared to The Dark Knight.

PART 3-1: ARTHUR C. CLARKE, DAS NUTCASES!

Okay, so the ending involves the Star Child. Okay. A heart-felt reference to 2001: A Space Odyssey- often cited as the greatest science fiction film ever to be conceived by man.

So why is a reference to a genius considered a bad thing?

PART 3-2: SO WAS PHILIP K. DICK

Oh right. Deus Ex did that. To be honest, the only reason I got peeved off at the Minority Report Precog machine was because the Precog machine didn’t appear to have any purpose. It was never really explained in full, so the boss fight in that area just seemed like busiwork. There was no tension- which is especially abominable even compared to all the OTHER stupidly pointless bosses.

But hey, I’m not bitching for Square Enix to cut out the Boss Fights in some DLC pack. I’m not bitching for Square Enix to post a video of the CEO to suck the syntho-dick of that one android made to the likiness of Philip K. Dick as an apology to “the fans.”

By the way, hearing about the Starchild in the ending… You know what? I actually kinda saw that coming, even from the first two games! Deus Ex didn’t plan sh*t!

PART 4: ROGER EBERT WAS TOTALLY TOTALLY RIGHT

Art Vs. Product.

Thanks to the development of this new ending, Mass Effect 3 can no longer be considered art.

Hey, instead of 3-year development cycles, why not tack on an extra year and get everything you want done? Or have a team of planners years in advance. Art doesn’t take a set amount of time. Art is made in its own time, like a book, or a painting.

Some books, like the Twilight ‘saga’ were made within months of each other. Philip K. Dick’s books were separated by varying numbers of years. You get what I mean?

My point is: Philip K. Dick is awesome.

PART 5: THIS IS NOT YOUR STORY, IT NEVER CAN BE, IT NEVER WILL BE.

Here’s the problem with choose-your-own adventure games- or books- that differ it entirely from things like, say, tabletop games like Dungeons & Dragons.

You really have no control over the story beyond what the programmers put in. Every choice you make in Mass Effect was already programmed in. All you needed to do was throw a switch for everything, or not throw a switch at all.

That doesn’t make it your story. I guarantee there are a few hundred people who pulled off a perfect Paragon run, but they got exactly the same thing out of it. It’s not their story. I pulled off 100% Paragon for the past two games. That ain’t my story.

Screwing Tali? Yeah, everyone’s done it. It’s not unique to your story.

Get used to it, because the same thing goes for everything with a Morality system, or even every RPG ever made.

Hell, not even MMOs can be considered your story. Not even Runescape– and that’s got probably one of the most diverse character-making systems ever! Runescape is still switch-flipping! The Completionist Cape is the proof for that!

Conclusion: Repeat of thesis. Shut up, fanboys.

-HolyJunkie.