Archive for January, 2012

Random Story 001

Posted in HJ Journal on January 18, 2012 by HolyJunkie/Jakob

Once upon a time there was a political analyst named Billiard the Braid. He was a pretentious git who wrote stuff on his Twitter and his blog, called Nine-Ball Politics. His brown strands of head-cover were proof that he enjoyed purple prose.

One day, he decided to look over the SOPA thingimajig, and he agreed wholesale on it. This is irrelevant to the whole story, but he later regretted his decision when his site was blacklisted for quoting a Bob Dylan song as part of a witty jab at the prospect of a Liberal Majority in the Federal Government (of Canada) The author is unsure how that could work, or what Bob Dylan song would be used, but the author can be certain that it would be harmless and would be a sure symbol for the ideal of free speech.

The next day was an entirely different day; one that was unrelated to SOPA or anything. As the author is Canadian, I technically cannot make much of a difference except bitch about it like someone who thinks their opinion matters. Instead, I’m going to have Billiard discuss something stupid.

MOVIES ARE LEFT-WING EVILSTUFFS!

Um… Okay?

Billiard the Braid heard that movies are left-wing evilstuffs. He also heard during “political writing school” that if he antagonizes and blatantly disagrees, it gets all of the views. By connection, he also gets all of the bitches. Purple Prose indicates that he must be verbose in his announcement in whatever the hell he’s talking about in a wasted, futile effort to make citizens of the united internets of the globe to somehow agree with him.

“After all, isn’t that how all bloggers work?” quoted Billy the Billiard.

Badabing, badaboom, badabang… don’t ask how this is relevant.

Billy the Billiard watched a single film- the first film he had seen in five years. The film was Full Metal Jacket. He slept through half of the movie, but he knew beyond any reason of a doubt that the movie was very left-wing in its message that the whole ‘Nam business was unnecessary, horrific, and downright stupid. BILLIARD DECIDED THAT HE MUST DISAGREE IN ORDER TO GET ALL THE ATTENTIONS OF THE WORLD!

So he did… Honestly, I’ve no idea how, because I personally think ‘Nam’s only real positive contribution was to give filmmakers a real-world, recognizable setting for 80’s and 90’s action films set in jungle environments… like Predator… or Platoon… or Full Metal Jacket… or the Rambo movies that weren’t First Blood… or Bruno Matei flicks…

You know, the same kind of effect the Afghanistan and Iraq stuff established a real-world setting for movies like The Hurt Locker, Kill Bin Laden, and video games like CoD… except CoD glorifies it as blindly as, say, the giant-ass American flag in the Spiderman movies.

Oh wait, we’re talking about Billiard.

Suddenly, the FBI busted into Billiard’s home, and they saw two things: Billiard had really nice golden-brown streaks of hair, and that Billiard was as fat and greasy as the cybering addict in Gamer, crossed with Jabba the Hutt.

(Good God, Gamer was wasted potential. It could’ve been so good!)

The FBI couldn’t arrest Billiard on account of the fact that the Braid was too heavy… and disgustingly sweaty… for the agents to lift.

“I was never like this before!” Billiard said, “I wanted nothing more than to garner unnecessary attention that would make me come across as a dumb idiot git in the history books- if they even care to remember me at all! Wikipedia won’t even recognize me, so I need to be an asshole so people can know me!”

The FBI agents understood, although they saw the irony in a guy trying to get an article written for him on Wikipedia, since at the time of writing, Wikipedia is protesting against SOPA by preventing users from accessing articles- Oh wait, that’s irrelevant to the story.

The agents understood, so they decided to call for a forklift and to bring Billiard to a recreation center… or at least a sanitation building. During the wait, one agent decided to make conversation.

“Being an asshole isn’t the only way to garner attention,” the agent said.

“Really?” Billiard asked, as if he had never once contemplated about contemplating the idea.

“Yeah, it’s like Gabe Newell said: the only way to stop assholes is to provide something worth more. Like with piracy, where the solution is not to pass laws, but instead to provide a superior service against pirates.”

This reminds historians of the Probation- sorry, PROHIBITION ACT, and we all know how that turd went down. We’ve got movies on that: Goodfellas, The Godfather, The Untouchables, Gangster movies in general.

What would this turn into, “Flow my Tears, the Policeman Said”? Christ, now we’re REALLY getting into Philip K. Dick territory!

Sorry, I digress often.

Billiard thought “Yeah, that can work!”

Then the agent said, “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is often pirated because they never expected such a massive explosion in fandom, and therefore did not expect to make the episodes available for purchase so quickly. The best they’ve got as far as I know is the episodes on iTunes- but that’s only on the American store. Canadians are boned.”

Billiard said, “Yeah!”

Then the agent shot Billiard because the Braid passed some gas. Unfortunately for the agent, there was so much blubber that the bullet was absorbed entirely.

Then they brought Billiard immediately to the sanitation building. He left as a skeleton, because everything about him was filthy. It was too late to save him, but at least he burned knowing that his idea of politics was flawed and pointless.

THE END! I’M GOING TO GO GET SOBER!

-HolyJunkie.

PS. Seriously? I’m mistaking Prohibition for Probation. I fail blog, dawg.

PSS. If there actually is a political blog called “Nine-Ball Politics” then I am sorry, I did not know your blog actually existed. I just came up with it from the top of my head on account of naming the character “Billiard”