Expendables 3?

Posted in HJ Journal on August 27, 2012 by HolyJunkie/Jakob

I do a lot of my random thinking while in the shower. Most of the ideas turn out to be too stupid to put on paper, but this very morning, I was thinking about why Expendables 1 and 2 didn’t seem to work for me.

I couldn’t think of why they didn’t work, but something just wasn’t right. It got me to thinking: What is my idea of an Expendables-like movie? The kind of movie that should pay homage to the 80’s and early 90’s action movies, starring a whole plethora of stars from that exact era. I came to the following conclusion, what I think might make a potential Expendables 3 the most awesome thing ever conceived by a human being:

Last Action Hero 2.

… Okay, stop laughing, Nostalgia Critic. I know what I’m talking about this time. Just hear me out!

Last Action Hero, for the uninitiated, is about a young boy who’s a huge action nut, much like the audience a movie like The Expendables tries and ultimately successfully panders to. The young boy’s favourite movies are those starring an eerily Arnold-looking super-cop named Jack Slater, who is played by Arnold himself, but- Okay, it’s like alternate universe crap, and the way to travel between them is through the magic of a golden ticket- which was given to the boy by a creepy old man who’s got a job I’d rather enjoy: The guy who runs the projectors in a respectable theatre.

Granted, my dream job is to be the man who works the cameras for a production, but that’s irrelevant.

The whole movie is an exercise in trope identification, lampshading, and tongue-in-cheek in-jokes within the action-lover crowd. It’s one of my favourite Arnold flicks after Total Recall.

Last Action Hero 2… and this is a story pitch, mind you. It could very well use a crapload of reiteration, polish, and cutting. HEAR ME OUT PLEASE!!

The kid’s grown up. He’s got a job as… I want to say Internet Film Critic, but no one likes those assholes… and he hasn’t… um, stuff… Oh, he’s also got a family, I guess.

Anyway, Jack Slater loses for the first time in a while, but then he notices that the screen that the audience looks through is empty. No one is watching his stuff anymore. After the film, he goes to an off-movie place where he meets with all these other aging 80’s action stars.

“No one’s watching us anymore. What’s the point?”

But then, the Grim Reaper sees that our world just sucks, so he decides to summon creatures from Cabin In the Woods to terrorize the real world. It’s then up to the kid to use the last half of the golden ticket to summon ALL of his favourite action stars to come to the real world to kick some serious monster ass.

Also, aliens invade.

THUS ENDS THE PITCH!!! See it’s awesome because you’ll probably have Arnold look at that one zombie with the bear trap on a chain and say “You’re one ugly motherfucker.” before dodging a swing and stuffing an AA-12 into the zombie’s face.

I guess theme-wise, it’d be about “The Times, they are-a-changin’. Kind of like that genius opening credits sequence from Watchmen. The kid watches this silliness, and he wonders “Why did I love this stuff when I was a kid?” Then his son is all “That’s so cool! That’s like those Jack Slater movies you showed me, daddy!”

and then the audience will be all “Aww, he’s a snow-bender!”

and I’ll be all “Am I high? Writing this blog post? I must be. I need to lay off this- Wait, I don’t even smoke. Where did all this come from?”

… Uhm…

-HolyJunkie.

Mass Effect is going to be permanently half-dead within 10-15 years.

Posted in HJ Journal on July 1, 2012 by HolyJunkie/Jakob

Picture this: It’s 10-15 years into the future. A kid who was 11 at the time hears stories from his old man or uncles about the wonders of two video games called “Mass Effect” and… let’s say “Left 4 Dead.”

Okay, before you Dev-Savvy dudes start railing on me about how “Origin is crap, Long Live Steam,” let me explain that this is going into a certain aspect beyond that Origin is crap thing.

Origin is crap, I admit. The very idea of it, while admirable, was just a complete botched attempt to dislodge Steam’s dominance. It’s like Origin was their 1st-level Paladin that had an attack of opportunity on Steam’s 20th-level Monk, and then EA rolled a 1.

It’s that much of an embarrassment, really… Wait, I’m already talking about that same crap.

Anyway, Mass Effect and Left 4 Dead 2. Say it’s 10-15 years later. technology is relatively the same. Steam still works fine, Half-Life 3 isn’t out yet, and iPad 3s are worth $200.

Okay, that’s wishful thinking, but you get what I mean.

A little boy, who was at age 11 by 2012, is now 26 years old, and he’s hanging out with his ex-gamer badass Dad and Uncle one day. The grizzled ones are both talking about old games they played back in the first decade of Y2K. The boy’s curiosity is piqued when he hears mention of two excellent games called Mass Effect and Left 4 Dead.

Different games, I should say, but they both are fitting for the example I’m going to conjure right out of my ass.

The young man asks about these games, and the Father and Uncle then go on about how much fun they had with fighting the Geth, Paragon’ing Saren into shooting his brain, fighting the Human Reaper and spitting in Illusive Man’s face, and whatever the hell they did with the romancing mechanic. They talk about how they managed to best a Tank on Insane difficulty with just the two of them and crappy pistols. They talked about the immense amount of fun they had.

They both mention that their computers crapped out a long time ago, so they would need to reinstall everything in order to allow the young gamer to play the old nostalgic pieces of excellence.

Left 4 Dead- and Left 4 Dead 2 for that matter. – THE ENTIRE EXPERIENCE, I SHOULD ADD.

  1. Log onto Steam
  2. If you already have Left 4 Dead 1/2 purchased, download everything.
  3. If you haven’t purchased either, fork over the money and enjoy old pieces of the past.
  4. Download the DLC. While waiting, go read the father’s old copy of World War Z to get you in the zombie-killing mood.

Price is as follows: However much L4D and L4D 2 costs, and maybe the cost of a new computer in case your current one craps out. That’s it.

Mass Effect- THE ENTIRE EXPERIENCE, I SHOULD ADD

  1. Buy Mass Effect 1 on Steam, because it’s available on Steam and that’s cool.
  2. Buy a new copy of Mass Effect 2, utilize the code, and buy ALL of the DLC separately.
  3. Buy a new copy of Mass Effect 3, utilize the code, and buy ALL of the DLC separately.
  4. If your computer craps out, you’ll have to reinstall everything on a new computer. Worst-case scenario, the codes won’t work on account of being used and YOU’LL HAVE TO BUY EVERYTHING OVER AGAIN!

The costs are as follows: 3 games- prices vary, but may remain high- possibly double that if you need to buy a new code. PLUS all the extra dollery-doos that would go into the DLC and crap. Hell, if your computer craps out, you might need to buy a new computer entirely.

Now let’s go over the steps on how to legally gain a functioning NES and a cart of Super Mario Bros. 3.

  1. Purchase NES machine- maybe from a pawn shop, or a well-organized pawn shop with more dignity and contacts with people who can fix old machines- said shop happens to be run by a kindly Jewish woman- Wait, that’s too specific.
  2. If you’re purchasing the NES machine- unless the person who runs the shop is a greedy piece of sh*t, you will most likely have the cords available.
  3. Obtain a television with an RF input… or was it output? Anyway, if one’s not available, purchase an RF-AV switchbox. Those things are remarkably cheap, and you can get them in most hardware stores that have computer parts.
  4. Obtain game cart- which considering its nostalgia value, would be sought after and kept safe from all sorts of damage.

OR, thanks to the Wii Shop Channel, and assuming you have a Wii (given the insane sales the Wii pulled through, the question is not “Who has a Wii?” but instead “Who doesn’t have a Wii?”)

  1. Obtain Wii if you don’t have one
  2. Obtain Wii points card- or use your credit card or crap if you’re lazy.
  3. Purchase game for like, 800 points
  4. OPTIONAL: Obtain Gamecube controller- or Classic Controller if you’re nuts.

Total price: Whatever the Wii cost, whatever the controller cost, and the price for the points.

My estimate for how it all turns out, here’s my guess on most expensive to cheapest.

  • Wii with Mario Bros. 3
  • Mass Effect Trilogy- as in the entire experience
  • NES with Mario Bros. 3
  • Left 4 Dead AND Left 4 Dead 2- with all DLC.

That’s not even counting the Emulators that can play those ridiculously old games for free. I personally like Emulators for those old games, because no one- and I mean NO ONE is making N64 carts anymore, but you can still get the same gaming experience many years after the last N64 finally breaks beyond repair.

In 10-15 years, no one’s going to be making copies anymore. That means within that time scale, the number of available copies of the complete Mass Effect experience will drop to a big fat goose egg. Even if you manage to save a used copy of Mass Effect 3, you can’t get the DLC, you can’t achieve the entire Mass Effect experience. A huge portion of the game series is the ability to import your character data from the previous games to apply changes to the sequel story. Much of that is ruined because the experience is ultimately very incomplete. In 10-15 years, there’s no way you can fix that… Well, unless you’re a Bioware Employee who can code the entire experience into a form that emulators can work with. First off, that sort of thing might get you fired. Secondly, Mass Effect’s scale is just humongous compared to… well, most games on the market today.

“Oh! Well it’s massive scale is why it’s worth more!” So says a complete idiot. Yeah, the very same idiot called the entire series “A complete waste of time” after taking one look at the Ending and thinking “Meh, lame. I prefer my endings to be explosion-tastic and all good with no consequences! DURR”

Yeah, I saw the endings. I saw all the endings, and I saw the extended cuts too. I found the endings to be kinda weak, but I also found the Extended Cuts to contain a crapload of spoon-feeding. Good lord, guys. Ever bloody think about what can happen given the information the endings gave?

Let’s take the so-called “Paragon Ending” for example.

SPOILER ALERT, DAWG.

Shepard’s essence is torn apart atom-by-atom until he vanishes entirely. From there, Shepard has assumed direct control over all Reapers. That’s excellent and cool-sauce- oh wait, you can’t give Tali any lovin’ anymore.

… Huh… Wait, what can we do now?

Oh yeah, Shepard controls the Reapers now. Shepard now has unwavering control over a humongous fleet of giant cockroaches that built the Citadel and Mass Relays. Hm, what to do?

What can we do? Whatever shall we do? The Mass Relays are all destroyed and that dumb kid Catalyst with the bland VA is toast! Whatever shall we do-

OH YEAH, USE THE GODDAMN REAPERS TO REBUILD ALL THE SH*T AGAIN!

Good lord, man. Controlling the Reapers means you get to control Reaper tech. That means you have the most advanced machines in the history of existence. You think a stupid ending is going to be able to tell you everything Shepard can do now that he/she controls THE GODDAMN REAPERS?!

Jeez, you guys love being spoon-fed, doncha?

I could also go on all day about the Renegade Ending and the In-between ending, but I’m done ranting for now. There’s an excellent lightning storm and it’s a calming show.

-HolyJunkie.

You may not have noticed it… but your brain did.

Posted in HJ Journal on June 20, 2012 by HolyJunkie/Jakob

The above quote is a reference to a subject I found rather touchy when it comes to films. Movies oftentimes showcase realistic characters in extraordinary situations. When a movie manages to engross you into its world, you start to think on its terms for the duration of the movie.

Like it or not, it can affect your subconscious. Same thing can go with video games. We don’t call it the Tetris Effect for nothing, however.

The thing I find rather tragic- I find- is in order to avoid that subconscious dedication to the story of a film, you have to completely separate yourself from it. In other words, forcibly limit your ability to enjoy a movie.

So the choice is therefore the following: Maximize enjoyment factor and not easily notice some aspects that may negatively affect your mind in the long run, or build a proverbial wall and save your mind in the long run.

… I’m not sure if I’m explaining this well… Anyway, the point I mentioned this is the following.

I recently had a dream that now makes me feel like the one guy trying to vouch for his bad-tempered friend by holding his arms out and saying “He’s not so bad once you get to know him.” Thing is, the ‘friend’ in question is my subconscious.

The dream was basically a lesbian couple wanted to borrow my room for a few days because they were being hassled by anti-gays or something. I’m not sure. There was something to do with building a giant concrete fortress and growing a massive beanstalk with what appeared to be one of those pads women wear for reasons men may very well never be able to fully understand on account of being men… except it looked more like a hexagon made of bacon. There was a Minecraft aesthetic to the location.

We’re suddenly in my room- but I didn’t know it was my room at the time. It looked like a pretty standard room in the dark. The bed had way too many pillows- possibly to fit the function of a sofa… which was what I used it as while playing Mario Kart.

This Mario Kart seemed different. I get the feeling that this was a Mario Kart that hasn’t even been made yet. The tracks were completely different, yet we were playing it with Gamecube controllers. It was not Double-Dash.

More crap happened, including a point where I said something offensive and the lesbian couple looked at me as if I was the most deranged lunatic in the history of mankind- familiar sight- and then I woke up… well, in-dream, that is.

I was in my room. I knew it was my room. However, my room was being borrowed by that lesbian couple… Actually, I should probably mention that the two girls didn’t look like anyone I’ve ever known or even seen.

Anyway, in the time they borrowed my room, they redecorated the place to a style I absolutely hated.

I mean, Jeez. It’s bad enough they went with an obviously crappy pink aesthetic, but they had to do this to my room- which they were borrowing? As in not planning to live in for a while?

Anyway, I should probably take this opportunity to say that I am in no way against gay rights. I’m all for them. I don’t like the idea of dedicating my code of ethics and view on the world to a book that’s only seen one side of the world up close. Thing is: I hated that lesbian couple for doing that vandalism to my room.

People could look at this and think “Wow, HolyJunkie, You must hate lesbians since they messed up your room!” Well, no. Honestly, I didn’t hate them because they were lesbians. They could’ve been sapient muskrats, or aliens, or robots, or even straight dudes. You don’t overhaul the look of another person’s room without permission, you know what I mean?

“But Junkie! The fact that your subconscious, with all its imaginative power, settled to conjure lesbians (specifically) that vandalize your room for no reason must mean you must harbour some negative feelings toward teh gayz!”

Well… Sh*t… I’d argue against that, but I honestly don’t know what to think. Maybe you’re right, maybe I do harbour negative feelings toward “teh gayz”. What can I say? My subconscious is a melting pot of different ideas and experiences- good and bad- that have all accumulated over the course of twenty-one years. Considering the massive amounts of stored information over the course of twenty-one years, how do you know that the combination of ideas posed in the dream were not just something from a random draw from my brain? Honestly, we don’t even know the context of this dream. It’s a dream! We’ve all had FUBAR dreams, and even more FUBAR drug trips.

What the flying f*ck can you expect me to say in response to a dream that doesn’t directly say I hate lesbians?

Another thing I remembered was that rather recently, a college classmate up and texted me- which has never happened before- and the only word was “psycho.”

When I asked him to elaborate, he continued to call me words that would be more fitting to a person with mental problems. Words like “Psycho,” “Pervert,” … and really, that’s it.

It was later explained that the guy who texted me was drunk-texting me. Much like the dream mentioned earlier, it got me to thinking.

Even when drunk and an impaired thought process, the first thing that got on his mind once he got his hands on another guy’s cellphone was “There’s [HolyJunkie]. I think I will call him a psychopath!”

How, in his subconscious, could that possibly be at the top of the list of things he wanted to do- or think he wanted to do?

It also made me wonder “Who could’ve shared that so-called ‘inside joke’ with him? Because said texting classmate was actually not part of my class specifically. It made me wonder who in their right mind would tell another person that a third person is a psychopath when the “psychopath” in question isn’t even there.

It’s a sad, almost downright pathetic notion…

Bear in mind, he apologized for the actions later- which really pissed me off. Judging by the texts, I had the feeling he was really asking for my forgiveness… Which I couldn’t do. Let me explain.

Forgiveness is basically to stop feeling angry or resentful towards an offense. Now I’ve been called a psychopath in the past multiple times. It’s one of the reasons I don’t want to return to my college class.

It’s because I’ve been called a psychopath that I find it difficult to take anything I, or anyone else, say seriously. Maybe that’s a symptom of psychosis, but who cares?

I can’t forgive an action that has been repeated to the point where a mystery writer would call it “Done to Death”. But at this point, I honestly stopped really caring. I’m only writing about this because that’s what blogs are for.

Anyway, I told the guy that I can’t forgive him for an offense that had been happening for almost two semesters. However, I also told him that “That’s not what you should care about.”

I mean “What the hell do you expect me to say? ‘Hey, it’s cool dude.’?” Well that’s what I would say if the offense in question were accidentally tripping me, or swinging a bat too hard that you lose grip, and it breaks in half over my forehead… Well, breaking a block of wood in half with my forehead would be pretty badass anyway. Both of those examples are freak accidents, which can be forgiven- unless you’re a real psychopath.

The fact of the matter is: calling a person a psychopath, out of context and especially with no solid evidence to support it, is not cool at all. The only thing the guy should care about, I concluded, was that he apologized- and that was all that mattered and should matter.

Well, I hope this crap was in any was legible. Time to get back to making videos.

-HolyJunkie.

Two-cents on Mass Effect 3

Posted in HJ Journal on March 24, 2012 by HolyJunkie/Jakob

Shut up, fanboys. That’s my thesis. The ending really is not that big of a deal. I’m going to provide examples that serve to prove a point that the ending to ME3 is not even a hundredth the big deal all those nutcase fanboys claim it really is.

WARNING: SPOILERS!!!

PART 1: MASS EFFECT 1 WAS EVEN WORSE

Depending on how you pulled off your ending, you either fought Saren, or (in my case) Paragon’d him into suicide. After that was a long cutscene, followed by a really damn annoying boss that make the Halo series’ Drone enemies see subtle and refreshing by comparison.

After THAT annoying, crap final boss, you get a cutscene where the REAL Big Bad gets killed by… you guessed it: NOT YOU! After that cutscene, it pulls you into a conversation where you make one last choice to add to the mathematically-generated combination of events that influence the story of the next game in the series.

After THAT tediousness, you get about 10-20 seconds of Shepard standing in the middle of space, or in front of a space backdrop as if he’s standing in front of a greenscreen.

If you say the Mass Effect 3 ending sucks, then you also have to acknowledge that the Mass Effect 1 ending sucks. Mass Effect 2 set the bar for endings when you got to fight a REAL final boss. You fanboys expect that you deserve an even bigger ending than that.

Shut up. You don’t deserve anything. You’re not the ones busting their asses working under the banner of EA. You’re not the ones drawing concept art and creating textures until your fingers bled. You’re not the one who has to deal with multiple VA contracts. You just fork over an easy sixty bucks for a game. I’m not counting the costs of the console, because we’re not talking about the console.

Yeah, so the ending to Mass Effect 3 was weak.

PART 2: SKYWARD SWORD WAS EVEN WEAKER!

I’m a Zelda fan like no other, but even I didn’t resort to this crybaby-ness when I saw the utterly abysmally cheesy ending to Skyward Sword. In my opinion, the entire game came across as “One step forward, two steps back.”

If I can refrain from bringing out the inner stupid in regards to Skyward Sword, you fanboys have no excuse for Mass Effect 3 of all things.

Come to think of it, so was Gears of War 3, The Godfather Part 3, The Matrix Revolutions, Halo 3, X-men 3, The third one in The Girl with the Dragon tattoo trilogy (I forget if it’s Played with Fire or Kicked the Hornet’s Nest…)

The Dark Knight Rises is also going to be weaker compared to The Dark Knight.

PART 3-1: ARTHUR C. CLARKE, DAS NUTCASES!

Okay, so the ending involves the Star Child. Okay. A heart-felt reference to 2001: A Space Odyssey- often cited as the greatest science fiction film ever to be conceived by man.

So why is a reference to a genius considered a bad thing?

PART 3-2: SO WAS PHILIP K. DICK

Oh right. Deus Ex did that. To be honest, the only reason I got peeved off at the Minority Report Precog machine was because the Precog machine didn’t appear to have any purpose. It was never really explained in full, so the boss fight in that area just seemed like busiwork. There was no tension- which is especially abominable even compared to all the OTHER stupidly pointless bosses.

But hey, I’m not bitching for Square Enix to cut out the Boss Fights in some DLC pack. I’m not bitching for Square Enix to post a video of the CEO to suck the syntho-dick of that one android made to the likiness of Philip K. Dick as an apology to “the fans.”

By the way, hearing about the Starchild in the ending… You know what? I actually kinda saw that coming, even from the first two games! Deus Ex didn’t plan sh*t!

PART 4: ROGER EBERT WAS TOTALLY TOTALLY RIGHT

Art Vs. Product.

Thanks to the development of this new ending, Mass Effect 3 can no longer be considered art.

Hey, instead of 3-year development cycles, why not tack on an extra year and get everything you want done? Or have a team of planners years in advance. Art doesn’t take a set amount of time. Art is made in its own time, like a book, or a painting.

Some books, like the Twilight ‘saga’ were made within months of each other. Philip K. Dick’s books were separated by varying numbers of years. You get what I mean?

My point is: Philip K. Dick is awesome.

PART 5: THIS IS NOT YOUR STORY, IT NEVER CAN BE, IT NEVER WILL BE.

Here’s the problem with choose-your-own adventure games- or books- that differ it entirely from things like, say, tabletop games like Dungeons & Dragons.

You really have no control over the story beyond what the programmers put in. Every choice you make in Mass Effect was already programmed in. All you needed to do was throw a switch for everything, or not throw a switch at all.

That doesn’t make it your story. I guarantee there are a few hundred people who pulled off a perfect Paragon run, but they got exactly the same thing out of it. It’s not their story. I pulled off 100% Paragon for the past two games. That ain’t my story.

Screwing Tali? Yeah, everyone’s done it. It’s not unique to your story.

Get used to it, because the same thing goes for everything with a Morality system, or even every RPG ever made.

Hell, not even MMOs can be considered your story. Not even Runescape– and that’s got probably one of the most diverse character-making systems ever! Runescape is still switch-flipping! The Completionist Cape is the proof for that!

Conclusion: Repeat of thesis. Shut up, fanboys.

-HolyJunkie.

Random Story 001

Posted in HJ Journal on January 18, 2012 by HolyJunkie/Jakob

Once upon a time there was a political analyst named Billiard the Braid. He was a pretentious git who wrote stuff on his Twitter and his blog, called Nine-Ball Politics. His brown strands of head-cover were proof that he enjoyed purple prose.

One day, he decided to look over the SOPA thingimajig, and he agreed wholesale on it. This is irrelevant to the whole story, but he later regretted his decision when his site was blacklisted for quoting a Bob Dylan song as part of a witty jab at the prospect of a Liberal Majority in the Federal Government (of Canada) The author is unsure how that could work, or what Bob Dylan song would be used, but the author can be certain that it would be harmless and would be a sure symbol for the ideal of free speech.

The next day was an entirely different day; one that was unrelated to SOPA or anything. As the author is Canadian, I technically cannot make much of a difference except bitch about it like someone who thinks their opinion matters. Instead, I’m going to have Billiard discuss something stupid.

MOVIES ARE LEFT-WING EVILSTUFFS!

Um… Okay?

Billiard the Braid heard that movies are left-wing evilstuffs. He also heard during “political writing school” that if he antagonizes and blatantly disagrees, it gets all of the views. By connection, he also gets all of the bitches. Purple Prose indicates that he must be verbose in his announcement in whatever the hell he’s talking about in a wasted, futile effort to make citizens of the united internets of the globe to somehow agree with him.

“After all, isn’t that how all bloggers work?” quoted Billy the Billiard.

Badabing, badaboom, badabang… don’t ask how this is relevant.

Billy the Billiard watched a single film- the first film he had seen in five years. The film was Full Metal Jacket. He slept through half of the movie, but he knew beyond any reason of a doubt that the movie was very left-wing in its message that the whole ‘Nam business was unnecessary, horrific, and downright stupid. BILLIARD DECIDED THAT HE MUST DISAGREE IN ORDER TO GET ALL THE ATTENTIONS OF THE WORLD!

So he did… Honestly, I’ve no idea how, because I personally think ‘Nam’s only real positive contribution was to give filmmakers a real-world, recognizable setting for 80’s and 90’s action films set in jungle environments… like Predator… or Platoon… or Full Metal Jacket… or the Rambo movies that weren’t First Blood… or Bruno Matei flicks…

You know, the same kind of effect the Afghanistan and Iraq stuff established a real-world setting for movies like The Hurt Locker, Kill Bin Laden, and video games like CoD… except CoD glorifies it as blindly as, say, the giant-ass American flag in the Spiderman movies.

Oh wait, we’re talking about Billiard.

Suddenly, the FBI busted into Billiard’s home, and they saw two things: Billiard had really nice golden-brown streaks of hair, and that Billiard was as fat and greasy as the cybering addict in Gamer, crossed with Jabba the Hutt.

(Good God, Gamer was wasted potential. It could’ve been so good!)

The FBI couldn’t arrest Billiard on account of the fact that the Braid was too heavy… and disgustingly sweaty… for the agents to lift.

“I was never like this before!” Billiard said, “I wanted nothing more than to garner unnecessary attention that would make me come across as a dumb idiot git in the history books- if they even care to remember me at all! Wikipedia won’t even recognize me, so I need to be an asshole so people can know me!”

The FBI agents understood, although they saw the irony in a guy trying to get an article written for him on Wikipedia, since at the time of writing, Wikipedia is protesting against SOPA by preventing users from accessing articles- Oh wait, that’s irrelevant to the story.

The agents understood, so they decided to call for a forklift and to bring Billiard to a recreation center… or at least a sanitation building. During the wait, one agent decided to make conversation.

“Being an asshole isn’t the only way to garner attention,” the agent said.

“Really?” Billiard asked, as if he had never once contemplated about contemplating the idea.

“Yeah, it’s like Gabe Newell said: the only way to stop assholes is to provide something worth more. Like with piracy, where the solution is not to pass laws, but instead to provide a superior service against pirates.”

This reminds historians of the Probation- sorry, PROHIBITION ACT, and we all know how that turd went down. We’ve got movies on that: Goodfellas, The Godfather, The Untouchables, Gangster movies in general.

What would this turn into, “Flow my Tears, the Policeman Said”? Christ, now we’re REALLY getting into Philip K. Dick territory!

Sorry, I digress often.

Billiard thought “Yeah, that can work!”

Then the agent said, “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is often pirated because they never expected such a massive explosion in fandom, and therefore did not expect to make the episodes available for purchase so quickly. The best they’ve got as far as I know is the episodes on iTunes- but that’s only on the American store. Canadians are boned.”

Billiard said, “Yeah!”

Then the agent shot Billiard because the Braid passed some gas. Unfortunately for the agent, there was so much blubber that the bullet was absorbed entirely.

Then they brought Billiard immediately to the sanitation building. He left as a skeleton, because everything about him was filthy. It was too late to save him, but at least he burned knowing that his idea of politics was flawed and pointless.

THE END! I’M GOING TO GO GET SOBER!

-HolyJunkie.

PS. Seriously? I’m mistaking Prohibition for Probation. I fail blog, dawg.

PSS. If there actually is a political blog called “Nine-Ball Politics” then I am sorry, I did not know your blog actually existed. I just came up with it from the top of my head on account of naming the character “Billiard”

How has My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic changed my life?

Posted in HJ Journal on December 16, 2011 by HolyJunkie/Jakob

Okay, before I get to it, I’ll provide some context for this seemingly (if you’re not a Brony) out-of-nowhere post. The following link goes to an mini-event on Equestria Daily regarding how the past year of 4th Gen Pony Badassery has changed the lives of others.

The Following Link. Lol, Legend of Zelda joke. It’s funny because it’s a joke!

For some, it’s changed little. For others, their lives could never feel better because of it. Myself, I’ve got my own reasons to thank the show and its fanbase… and that’s the good-hearted people who actually watch the show for the morals. I’m not talking about the extremists who abolish all other things just for the word of ponies; because that is just contradictory to what one of the main themes is.

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is about… you know what, I won’t discuss what it is, because there are already hundreds of blogs, vlogs, podcasts, episodes, TVTropes pages, and Know Your Meme pages that already tell the ones who don’t know about the show. I’ll just get to what it has done for me.

My Little Pony has pulled me out of a constant feeling of nihilism and general asshole-ism. I’m still partially a cynic, but that’s been hard-coded to the same level as the idea of walking. My point is that the show’s vibrant colour palette, catchy music, smooth animation, and crisp art style appealed to my eyes and ears to an even greater level than every cartoon I’ve ever grown up with. All this was great, but it was taken to an almost divine level when the characters and stories were all well-written. To me, it was absolutely astounding. You must realise that many of the cartoons I watched, I looked back and saw that they were really poorly written and ultimately sucked.

Basically: you know the situation where you feel like you’re the only intelligent person in a world of idiots, and you suddenly come across a nice girl with equal or greater intelligence? It’s like Wall-E once he first lays his visual sensors on Eve!

This show is something else, the kind of show that beats morals over your head, but really actually doesn’t beat you over the head about it. Instead of taking a newspaper and hitting you over the head with it, the show allows you to enjoy a situation and the interactions between these interesting characters. Then at the end, it takes the elements you absorbed and applies a little extra thread just to make sure you understood the story and themes and characters and what-not.

Thanks to the show, I’m a happy guy; I didn’t need faith, or money, or fame, or anything. I just needed some silly coloured equines doing hilarious shenanigans all for the purposes of promoting good behaviour in the face of the Gangstas and the Hipsters and the Libbies and the generally Intolerant.

At the same time, it’s indirectly brought back to my eyes the reason why video games like the Call of Duty franchise really can’t be fun for anyone.

Give a kid a full year without Call of Duty. Imagine he went on with life and got to do something cool, like write a book, or carve something out of wood, or build a house, or make a video with no purpose.

Then ask said kid the following question: “Did you ever have fun playing Call of Duty?”

Being one such kid, my answer was a resounding “No. I, in fact, never actually did have fun. I never even thought about anything whenever I played any of the games. Everyone knows the concept of ‘fun’ is an enjoyable stimulation of the brain, and not a dull trance and the scarily natural-sounding homophobic blathering of people five hundred miles away.”

You can try this experiment if you want. You kind of need a year for that- or maybe just a month, or a week. Just make sure the kid has something else he wants to do instead of Call of Duty.

I haven’t really touched my Xbox 360- which is all hooked up and everything- for about six months. I’m still of the age where a guy would be playing the crap out of it.

This is all because I’ve basically found Nirvana, thanks to two things: Meditation, and My Little Pony.

So thank you, Lauren Faust and everyone who worked on the show. Thank you to all the good aspects of the fandom. Thank you for being the second reason I haven’t killed the human race yet.

-HolyJunkie.

PS. On the other hand, it’s also indirectly been a cause of depression. That’s not its fault, it’s more or less my fault for sharing a course with people who don’t really take anything I say seriously because they joke that I’m a psychopath much too often, and too naturally- as if me being a psychopath is common knowledge.

Personally, I’m insulted by that idea. It gives me that bad vibe that basically tells me: “These classmates aren’t really tolerant. After all, they act relatively the same. You’re just an oddball shy guy.”

Not fun.

The Next Highlander

Posted in HJ Journal on December 1, 2011 by HolyJunkie/Jakob

TVTropes, as internet-goers would know if they’re media-savvy, has an article on Highlander. That is, every Highlander thing ever made. At the end of the list, there’s a quote.

And apparently someone has bought the rights to (insert drumroll here) remake the original Highlander. The script for the remake was written by the screenwriter of the Twilight films. Yay?

This made me think about how one could make a modern Highlander movie that doesn’t suck. Here’s the entire list of ’em.

  • Reboot / Remake.

Well, yeah. It’s already said to be a remake, but if it somehow doesn’t fall through and becomes another sequel, I’m putting this up here as a reminder.

No sequel, no Duncan, no Guardian, no Source, no Kell, no 3, no 2, no watchers, no nothing. This is a remake of the first movie and nothing else. Connor, Ramirez, Kurgan, and other related characters that are actually required for the story.

  • Gerard Butler as Connor MacLeod.

Um… Duh! I’m not even talking about the fact that he’s actually Scottish. I’m saying this dude is the most nearly perfect human being that could play the Highlander next to Christopher Lambert back in his day.

Need proof? King Leonidas shows that he can work with a blade. How to Train Your Dragon shows that he can be a vicious badass- Wait, that’s every other movie… Um… Oh, Gamer shows that he can dodge bullets.

In hindsight, I don’t really need to prove it- Wait! One more.

Timeline (an ultimately cruddy movie in my eyes, but that’s another story) shows that he can really pull off the Highlander look and attitude. Think about it, filmmakers.

  • Queen

No covers, just Queen. Freddie Mercury lives on, bishes. I don’t care if you have to spend more money than you have in your filmmaking budget in order to get the music rights. If you hire a cover band to remake the songs, people who love Queen will hate your guts. All of the guts, that is. Even if you had no part in the choice of music, Queen fans will hate your guts.

  • Keep Every Rule

The Holy Ground rule aids in storytelling potential. I don’t think I need to establish anything else.

  • No Fanservice

The only reason you should cast anyone from the original is for a well-fitting cameo. Otherwise, no Christopher Lambert, no Sean Connery, no Clancy Brown. If you show the cameo of one, fans would expect cameos from all of them, and then it’ll become silly like Fanboys.

Queen fans don’t count because… well… it’s f**king Queen!

  • Utilize every storytelling potential.

Explore on the concepts of immortality, like the first movie. Explore how some people could take to immortality. Explore on attitudes, fighting styles, how everyday things differ now that a character is immortal.

Whatever you do, don’t put these explored themes on a bus either.

  • Swordfights are Secondary.

This is more or less an extra part of the previous item. I know it’s an iconic aspect of Highlander, but Highlander is about the themes of immortality and competition for “The Prize.”

  • KISS

Keep It Simple, Stupid. This is a reboot. You don’t have several series-worth of mythology to work with. You don’t need to reference anything from the other movies- Hell, you shouldn’t.

Also, don’t try to scientifically explain the concept of immortality. The original movie involves corpses floating and electricity going through cars and walls and thing exploding even though they technically can’t. It’s a kind of Magic. That means don’t try to explain minor details. We can accept immortality if it’s shown. Seeing is believing, and we can believe Connor is immortal when he gets stabbed repeatedly, yet doesn’t die.

  • World Wars … And more.

One of the most excellent scenes in Highlander was the part where Connor MacLeod was running through a Nazi invasion. Previously, we saw him in relatively primitive sheepskin coats and swinging claymores at people. In the future, he’s got a Japanese blade and a badass trenchcoat. It’s good to further establish the guy’s immortality by putting him through even more times. Maybe 1930’s France, or 1800’s Italy. When asked where he was from, Connor replied, “Lots of different places.”

So let’s see those lots of different places, eh?

  • Maintain a similar level of special effects.

Don’t overdo the CGI. Those creepy-looking hand-animated demon dudes and electricity blasting across the screen fit perfectly with the lighting used in the original film. No zooming in to give people a close-up of crappy-looking lightning bolts. Let the CGI assist in telling the story, don’t let the story tell the CGI. You know, the kind of stuff George Lucas said before he started failing at that.

Besides, CGI these days looks too clean, too crisp. It’s the uncanny valley of visuals. Even in Hugo, it was a little bit uncanny until I realised that the film was not, in fact, animated.

For a change, let’s have some stuff that’s a bit more grimy. After all, this is a movie based around immortal dudes decapitating each other in gruesome fashions

  • Ease up on the katanas.

They’re overused these days. Yes, I know they’re excellent for cutting heads off! In all honesty, sometimes a good swordfight includes a broadsword, or a war scythe, something simple, not exotic. Even The Kurgan’s sword was nothing more than an IKEA-packaged claymore.

  • Get someone who can do the Kurgan voice.

Seriously.

  • The Prize

At the end of Highlander, the Prize turned out to be Omnipotent knowledge and mind-reading, among others. How about we keep that as it is and nothing else?

If the Prize becomes god-like, then a character like the Kurgan winning means misery for the entirety of the human race. Do you think Kurgan wants to have a prize like “having children”? I think not. He’d throw his own baby into a wolf fight as soon as his mate birthed the son-of-a-gun. Sure killing children isn’t nice, I’ve already made my two-cents on that in my previous post. However, it really doesn’t seem as tragic as “Doing what he did to the Gal in the New York Chicken scene, except to the rest of the human race.”

  • The writer of the Twilight movie screenplay is pretty much perfect for the job.

Dead serious on this one. Take into consideration the Twilight movie we got. Consider how accurate it is to the novel… Cause it kind of is accurate. I don’t even need to read the books to know that. I just need to look back on how every Twilight fan seemed to love the movie (and everyone who was sane loved to make fun of it.) I understand the movie was absolute crap. I could tell the writer knew that as well.

However, most of the stuff I absolutely hated from the Twilight movie was mostly the camerawork, the special and visual effects, the acting, and… well, the entire f**king movie. What I didn’t- nay- couldn’t complain about was the screenplay.

The writer wrote the screenplay because he/she wanted to make money for not too much effort. I can understand that. The typewriter or word processor machine needs maintenance to continue functioning. Am I right? Get the money you need so you can make the movies you want, like Uwe Boll, or Michael Bay- Okay, bad examples.

Any adaptation to Twilight would be stupid simple to write, on account of the fact that Twilight is trite to begin with. All the screenwriter needed to do is reverse Stephenie Meyer’s style and turn all the purple prose into something practical, then make the three pages-worth of material into one and a half hours of filmable stuff.

In all honesty, if I were given the very same opportunity, I’d friggin’ take it. After all, movies like these and shops like Hot Topic are the kinds of things that utilize “A Fool and his/her money are soon parted” as a marketing strategy. I could use the money to upgrade my computer, or invest into a movie I actually like.

That’s what the world is about, really. Fools get their money taken away by the smart people, who then give the money back to the fools so the fools do more things for the smart people, then the smart people sell more things to the fools to get the money back.

I’m actually glad to have fools in this world… I just wish a few of them weren’t major jackasses for completely unrelated reasons.

-HolyJunkie.